17 November 2007

Raw

Amazing how the subconscious can become a reliable map. Two Saturdays past, while enjoying my aimless drive around the metropolis in the dead of night, I came upon this old alley and felt the sudden nervous twitch in my gut. A decade has passed yet that street, where the all too familiar dismal looking house totters, remains to infect hostility and everything still looks as drab as if to mock at the supposed intrinsic invincibility of time and constancy of change. Sprawled like a massive horizontal triangle, the crude architecture of the house personifies the sinister vibe bolstered by the ungodly hour and the bare torsos of the istambays (street-side idlers).

The inability of the eyes to recognize a corporeal bit of the dreaded past, the subconscious compensates with its blow-by-blow exhumation of a presumably dead former self. The carcass of my former self awakens revealing the intangible yet throbbing wounds. Ten years failed to salve the wounds into scars. The raw wounds remain imprinted as if with indelible dye gloating at the passage of time.

If forgiveness is the only balm, as the righteous claims, then doom may be my sad comeuppance. How can the wounded concede forgiveness when the culprit still swaggers in her parade unscathed by the so-called karma or conscience? The latter I assume is nonexistent.

05 November 2007

Buzzed

It's almost 3 a.m. yet I'm wide awake. Awake and bored to death. I have been logging in and out of YM to find some "crazy" friends to chat with. None are crazy enough. Or better yet, the crazy ones have gone incognito and are merely ignoring my buzzes. Which rather irritates me, now that it crossed my mind. The two housemates are dead. Sleeping like dead logs, I mean. Pity outruns the evil desire to shout "fire!" and wake my two house companions as the older housemate just took a soporific decongestant while the younger housemate is still nursing an upset stomach.

Under normal circumstances, I enjoy the company of the inanimate. Me and my book. Me and my mug of coffee/tea. Me and the Internet. Me and my planner. Me and my eccentric imagination. Right now, I'm plainly stricken with distinctive boredom. Almost the kind of boredom that drove Holden Caulfield to yell "Sleep tight, ya morons!" then head to New York City to fritter away self-indulgently. The yelling part I can execute with panache. The frittering away is a luxury I don't hold at the moment as there is a vile lesson plan waiting to be accomplished. Harrumph... Harrumph..

Yummy macaroni! Somebody just buzzed. ☺

02 November 2007

Commander-in-misChief


In one of my summer vacations in Jimenez, my cousins' favorite agendum was scavenging through the musty and helter-skelter attic in the ancestral house while my royal ass merely watched, thwarted by the highly sensitive sinuses. Clutching my trusty Walkman, I went out of the room only to be called back by one of my cousins a few minutes later. Bored and drowsy, I entered the musty room again when my cousin, garbed in a scruffy Dracula ensemble, suddenly jumped right in front of me and wailed like a banshee. Funny how he has gotten his otherworldly troupe mixed up. But in sheer fright, I whacked his arm with my Walkman. Poor Walkman. That night, I lay in bed wide-awake while listening to the sound maker duo: the cricket and my sister. Poor me.


Strutting oneself in masks and costumes depicting gore and the macabre is not part of my fun list. Hence, at Halloween, I can't rub elbows with the manananggal, tikbalang, tiyanak and the rest of their kinsfolk. CdQ made a good point in suggesting a modern horrific mask with a Pinoy flavor (see PDI's There's the rub entitled Happy Halloween). It's not Roald Dahl's Grand High Witch. But of the same caliber. If not, more gruesome.

30 October 2007

Saccharine High


The Tumult: Obliterate my memory of your poetry. Ravage the thing that dares speak your name. Deafen my ears from the lilting strains of your song. Shield my sight from the trance of your gaze.


The Poetry: All of these don't mean I love you less. I still plan to live my life with you. You mean so much to me. I hope you realize that also. Sorry if you didn't understand me. I want you to know that I truly understand you. Wish I could be there just to hold you tight.

The Tumult: ...................



Then there was just silence. Merely silence...

28 October 2007

Touched


I'm catching raindrops in my hands again. In my grasp, I'm never letting it slip.


The biting cold of rain granting me bliss as it soaks every pore as though roughly making love with my being.

I'm alive again. With the touch of rain.

23 October 2007

Fissured

At 2 a.m. Oct. 7, while savoring my cup of instant noodles, I was laughing my head off recounting for the nth time our slight brush and getaway with the traffic law. The nagging emptiness inside of me mocking the forced racket I was making at such an ungodly hour. In the light of confused sadness, I laughed the loudest in vain attempts to muffle every strain of sadness.

Half-awake at 7 a.m., I squinted at my mobile phone to know who was responsible for the reveille that morning. It was mom bearing the news that would illuminate all the unexplained emptiness I felt the night before. Lolo (grandfather) bade us all goodbye at 5 a.m. Oct. 7, Sunday.

It was indeed time to visit home and take a respite from the self-imposed reclusion. But it was all too late. For the past 10 months, going home has been my lowest priority for countless reasons and personal issues I can hardly bring myself to come to terms with. In silence, the lament of remorse is so deafening it fissures my sentient being.

Seeing him in a seemingly deep sleep behind the thick glass confirmed the reality I was denying to accept for the past hours. Yet he looked so peaceful that tears are almost a shame. He looked so peaceful that on the third day, I requested to literally feel Lolo's skin. His hands were soft nary a tinge of coldness, it can pass for being alive. The gesture would have truly amused him.

For someone who can never tolerate watching horror flicks, it is unlikely to be able to sleep on someone's deathbed for eight days. Yet sleeping on the very bed where he breathed his last was far from being scary. Not least, the closest I ever was to feeling him again after so many years. Not least, a good confirmation of his reassuring disposition.

Not least, a testimony of how much his absence will be missed.

04 October 2007

The Art of Digression


Ha Jin's Waiting still sits gloatingly on my bedside table and I believe it is mocking me. I have been trying to finish it for almost a month now. I am at least 10 or so chapters short of knowing Lin Kong and Manna Wu's fate. What is it about this book that somehow lulls me to sleep even after 3 cups of café noir?

As a workaround to this dilemma, this afternoon I perused the book while walking back and forth in the living room like a human pendulum for a little more than two hours. A definite killing-two-birds-with-one-stone scheme, I must say. One, I get to read without falling into oblivion. Second, my rusted appendages can use this rare stretch. And assuming the role of a human pendulum has placed the older graveyard shift denizen of the household into a blissful hypnotic spell. So, I was actually enjoying a quiet afternoon walking and reading Ha Jin while Corinne Bailey Rae croons Another Rainy Day in the background for the nth rerun.

Listening to Corinne Bailey Rae (CBR) always puts me in a trance. As the overture of her song reaches my ear, it's like being propelled to a different era with a thick gossamer separating me from my world or the world as I know it. But just the other weekend while listening to CBR and anticipating the trance, the youngest household denizen quipped, "Her voice makes me want to eat the entire gallon of ice cream." Then she went on licking the remnants of ice cream on her spoon. Oh God, Oh God I am salivating... For someone who is actually rice and sugar famished, this is a rather disturbing observation. Yes, I admit the mirror reflection stirred me to adapt a healthier ummmm... lifestyle (I hate the d word!). Now, apart from hurling me into a trance, CBR reminds me of a freshly-baked brownie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top! Where did the brownie come from, you wondered. You see, my mind can get carried away at the slightest mention of food.

From Ha Jin to Corinne Bailey Rae to food... this is the art of digression. Before I swerve to another subject and drive you all bonkers, allow my sugar-bereft mind to go on strike.



25 September 2007

¡Hola amigo!


I've never been known to stick to one thing for long. Never staying in one place for years. Never enjoying a certain hobby for months. And ever changing my desktop wallpaper faster than you can say "wait". Perhaps the only staples in my desktop are the icons and widgets from Yahoo!.

My wallpaper would reflect whatever catches my fancy at a particular time. But it's mostly places, I've dreamed of visiting.
Or a panoramic photograph of windows and staircases. Or paintings of autumn and sunsets.
Or pictures of things that sends me to a nostalgic euphoria be that a field of white roses and tulips.

As of the moment, my eyes are riveted to a Hispanic street in the city of Valencia. The rustic architecture of the establishments along the cobbled street beguiles my eccentric mood.

A shot of tequila to Marni for My Desktop Free View tag. Please allow me to take a peek of your desktop: Lupideloop, Leah, Mia, Lyjunna, and Abaniko.

Here’s a quick instruction:

A. Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun.

You can do a screen capture by: [1] Going to your desktop and pressing the Print Scrn key (located on the right side of the F12 key). [2] Open a graphics program (like Picture Manager, Paint, or Photoshop) and do a Paste (CTRL + V). [3] If you wish, you can “edit” the image, before saving it.

For MAC users: Press  [ Shift ] and [ 3 ]

B. Post the picture in your blog. You can also give a short explanation on the look of your desktop just below it if you want. You can explain why you preferred such look or why is it full of icons. Things like that.

C. Tag five or more of your friends and ask them to give you a Free View of their desktop as well.

D. Add your name to this list of Free Viewers with a link pointing directly to your Desktop Free View post to promote it to succeeding participants.

People who have already revealed their desktops are:
iRonnie - I Set No Corner | Thess - Thesserie | Rebecca - Skippy Heart | Knoizki - A Dialogue With K | Dicey - Dice Six | Pao - Lifelog | Beng Hafner - Kauderwelsch | Bluepanjeet - OTWOMD | Melai - Manilenya | Kofi - 3 Shots Of Espresso | Marni - Midori-X | Nika - Clay Pots and Wooden Spoons | Marie - Vanidosa | Girlie - Hip n Cool Momma | KK - My Good Finds | Francine - Chez Francine | Sardonicnell - Tales of A Melodramatic Moron | Issa - Snippets of A QuaintQuill


22 September 2007

Scratch that itch

How can something so sacred as marriage be reduced to being a mere time-share arrangement?

Has society become too advanced to believe in a love that lasts? Have the Muses caved in and submit themselves to the ruins and fall from glory?

In a world that has become obsessed with what's nouveau, have human emotions morphed into androids that subsist based on its battery life?

Have we grown too cynical to seal relationships with a business contract?

To live life mechanically and forge relationships dispassionately, is this the slogan of the digital age?

It would be hypocrisy to say that I'd rather backtrack to the age where g-strings made of leaves were a fashion but if we have become the kind of race that succumbs too easily to "itches", then all these claimed innovative breakthroughs are the only things that define us. Nothing more.

15 September 2007

Gone Haywire

Thursday, 3pm

For an hour, I watched... Allow me to rephrase that appropriately.. I actually enjoyed watching the UAAP basketball match between UST and FEU. The most recent memory I have of a basketball match was the championship game between Phoenix Suns and Chicago Bulls. Not that I was a basketball fanatic then but the men-dominated household was glued to that particular game and changing the channel just for the sheer fun of it could perhaps endanger dear life (I didn't have the gall to test their avowed adulation to Michael Jordan but I wish I did. Darn.)

Friday, 9pm

For the past three weeks, Ha Jin's Waiting has been collecting dust on my bedside table (along with two other books) and I couldn't seem to manage to finish more than two chapters without getting the soporific spell. So, I started rereading Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being which, as always, reduced me into smithereens (in a great literary way, though). To be fair with Ha Jin, I must say that things started to pick up when Manna Wu, the protagonist's paramour, possessed by a passionate rush made a risque proposal and an arbitrarily wanton decision amidst the puritanical setting of the depicted era. It's a relief to find someone doing sillier things than you do -- be it real or fictional.

Saturday, 2 am

My schedule planner has been filled out once again after a few months of being guiltily empty. Oh well, I allowed it a short respite after a hectic (a breath short of being a suicidal) schedule of activities of a corporate slave.

For the past two days being disconnected from the web felt like being hurled into the black hole. But now that I'm back online, those two days weren't so bad after all. But that is not to say I can live being unwired. ☺

 
Template by suckmylolly.com